What Happens When Claire Finds Out She Is Pregnant
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Of course Claire is pregnant. That's what seems to happen in Morganville Vamps Fics. This is a parody on this. PARODY, PEOPLE, PARODY. Glass House Gang.


_Because these type of fics _really_ annoy me when they're serious, so I decided to write a parody._

_I think it's a really serious issue that really _shouldn't_ be popularised._

_Anyway, I don't own anything_

_& no offence to those fics out there that (I presume, since I never read them) that are pretty well written to do with this._

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~x~

Claire jumps up and down as she holds the pregnancy test in her hand, unable to wait to see if she's pregnant or not – this is just so _exciting_! She's not going to say that it would be a planned event if she _is_, because she _is_ still a teenager, but it's just so awesome!

"Claire, stop bouncing around, it's not like it's going to make things any different, is it?" Eve sighs slightly, being the voice of reason in the situation where it seems like Claire has changed personalities since she's just forgotten _everything_ about her future. All she wants now is a baby with Shane because, well, she _lurves_ him and they're like _so_ superbly ready to be parents. We can't forget that she's eighteen and he's nineteen, but they've survived so much in Morganville so they're ready to be parents.

And, unsurprisingly, the test is positive. The girl is 8 weeks pregnant with a baby, at the age of eighteen, being midway through her education at the minute. But she forgets the latter part as she begins to dance and shake her hips, so utterly happy that she's pregnant with Shane's baby because they can be parents and live happily ever after forevermore.

"I'm pregnant!" naturally, she squeals this, Eve grinning despite herself because this story is nearly _always_ going to end with all four Glass House residents so super-duper thrilled that the bright girl is pregnant.

"Congrats, sweetie," Eve hugs her, keeping the razor sharp bracelet away from her friend's stomach. Couldn't have any accidents there, could we? "Maybe you should, like, go tell Shane or something since he's going to be a Daddy," she suggests, avoiding the hand that's been holding the pregnancy test as she takes Claire down the stairs because, well, it's had urine on it.

.

Downstairs, Shane and Michael are playing the Xbox, having absolutely no idea that everyone's lives are about to be turned upside down.

"Shane," Claire begins suddenly, standing quite close to him so he can hug her if he's happy or she can run away if he's angry.

"Yes, Claire?" he answers as he always does when he's playing a game, not actually really listening.

He does, however, hear that she's pregnant.

Instantly standing up because he's so shocked, Shane drops some food all over the floor but doesn't care – thing to make you worried one-oh-one: Shane not being bothered about losing food – and Claire takes a step back.

"This is _epic_!" because it's _so_ obvious he wants to be with Claire forever, so doesn't care if she's pregnant already. "I love you, Claire Bear," he continues, moving forwards to take her hand and kiss her.

Eve stands there mutinously, being upset because she's not part of the conversation anymore and Michael is continuing to play the game as he's taking advantage of Shane being missing. "Well…_I'm _pregnant as well!" she comes out with because she wants to be included again.

_This_ has shocked Michael to the point where he too shoots to his feet (and allows the invisible gremlins to take his seat) and moves to stand in front of Eve. "_How_? But, baby, this is amazing!" he hugs her too and she sighs slightly because she's lying…but they're all happy – YAY!

.

Claire goes to the doctors with Shane and is all super-duper happy about being pregnant and she has a scan and everything is just _amazing_. "Love you baby," Shane tells Claire before they then find out they're having twins, one boy and one girl. Of course – and this means that they can name the girl Alyssa because Shane's dead sister was called that (bit creepy but that's the way this character likes to roll) and have Michael as the middle name for the boy because that's how the brotherhood thing rolls.

.

That night, the four of them sit down and begin to discuss their little families (made up ones in Eve and Michael's case) and they've all forgotten that Claire is still in education and is making no money, Shane skips work so much he may as well _not _have a job, there's only one spare room in the house because Eve's crap takes up her old room as well.

"I bet it's a girl," Michael says as he touches Eve's stomach, not hearing a heartbeat but thinking it's because he's such a new vampire.

"Mmm," Eve replies, almost believing she is pregnant now with how many people she has told.

Just then, Amelie decides to pop through the portal to give the parental lecture to the four of them because Shane doesn't have any parents and Claire's still forgotten she's in university so _of course_ hasn't told her parents either…though they'll probably be ecstatic since Claire is.

"What is the Ice Queen doing here?" Shane is still as nasty as ever to Amelie, forgetting that he doesn't call her that when she's present.

"_I_ am here to tell you to stop being so idiotic and childish," she takes a stance in front of them all, deciding to go down the lecturing route because she's fed up of this stupidity. "_You_ are not pregnant, because vampires cannot have children. Don't deny it, Miss Rosser; you are _not_ pregnant. Kindly stop telling people because I have had fears for some strange reason that _Oliver_ may be the father of some children," she snaps at Eve who recoils backwards, both her and Michael looking disappointed.

"No need to be so mean, Amelie," Shane mutters, drawing the attention back to him and Claire.

"_You_ are the most hated man in Morganville, Mr Collins; I hardly would have put you at the top of the respectable and most mature fathers," Amelie retorts, making them all wonder why they haven't brought her in onside before now. "You have a badly paying job, which you happen to miss most days, so how you think you can provide for this child is beyond me."

"I can work," Claire butts in, realising that this is a bad idea when Amelie shoots daggers at her. Not literally because that would be dangerous and impossible, but just daggers from the eye…

"You are still in education, Claire, how you plan to support a family of four at eighteen is beyond me," Amelie replies. "Teenage pregnancy is something that should not be taken lightly and _especially_ not with the enthusiasm you four have. I thought the modern world knew that waiting for children was a brighter idea," she shakes her head, despairing because the brightest girl in Morganville is now apparently the thickest.

"What makes you think we're so enthusiastic about it?" Shane shoots back because Claire is crying now, having realised she has no chance of an education.

"The party you had the other night which consisted of many songs to do with "I'm having a baby" and ones that had the word baby in gave me an indicator," Amelie replies. "I wouldn't comment on it but since it was loud enough for myself to hear it across town with the windows shut, I presume you're about to be visited by the noise department in the coming days," she continues.

"Why did you _come_?" Claire screams because she's already so scared about being pregnant now…and with twins.

"To inform you that teen pregnancy is not the way forwards as you evidently think it is and to inform you all that Miss Rosser has been lying for the past day or two," Amelie sighs before walking towards the portal. "And I care not about protecting these children against everything I have protected you against, Claire."

And with that, she walks out the door.

.

All in all, Claire's now depressed she's pregnant as they'll have no money, Shane wants to run away, Eve _isn't_ pregnant and Michael's depressed that he's a vampire so can't have children.

The moral of the story: don't get pregnant as a teenager…especially in Morganville.

~x~

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_Don't__ read without reviewing, thanks._

_Vicky xx_


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